The Freedom of Raising a Child in Japan

A Foreign Mother in Japan
July 13, 2007

My foreign friend and I often discuss child-rearing practices and policies in Japan compared to our own home countries or cultures. In my case I have to say culture since I’ve lived in Japan for close to 2/3rds of my life, so I’m not sure that my own policies reflect American ones. We’re both married to Japanese men, both have school-aged children, and both have had to learn the ropes of the parenting system here.

There are a lot of little rules in this country, those who live here realize it, those who don’t, but have been reading my blog, are aware of it. Kids NEVER go barefoot, they always have a thermos wherever they go, they all wear caps in the summer, and they all buy a ‘randsell’ backpack for entering 1st grade. Mothers show up to every school visit, all the school volunteer cleaning days, and they all buy the school required shuji set, sewing kit, and kanji dictionary. They never forget to include chopsticks in their children’s backpacks, and would never buy their school recorder from the 100-yen shop—all the things I’ve done without a second thought. Oh yes, they don’t make their kids work for their allowance.

So, yeah, I get frustrated and irritated by all the little rules that all the other mothers seem to know by instinct and I don’t. And I wonder “What’s the big deal, so I just cut up an old towel to make their school-required rags rather than buying some at the supermarket, so I made a sandwich for their excursion lunch rather than pack a full-course obento, so I didn’t give my kid the full 500 yen of spending money for the outing, since I only had 200 in my wallet, oh well!” (I think my kids realize this about me, and have found other ways to prepare for the things they know I won’t do).

But in many major areas of your child’s life, the parent has a lot of freedom and control. For instance, I can leave my kids in the car while I go shopping and no one will report me, I can leave my little kids home alone and no one would get upset, I can give my kids a whack in public and no one is going to be outraged, I can allow my kids to throw a full-on temper tantrum in the mall and everyone will ignore my child and me. I can laugh while my kids pulls the hair of the little guy sitting next to him in class, and I can expect the teacher to think my kid is still absolutely adorable, even when he hits her, calls her names, ignores her and is otherwise a monster. (Hey, anyone who knows me knows that I would never allow my kids to behave like that—but I HAVE seen it happen regularly).

Those are things that are important to me, things relating to safety, to danger, to behavior, I feel those are the important things to be concerned about. But, I do agree, that as a parent, despite the many small rules that I manage to not follow anyway, I have a lot of control over really main issues, and for that I’m grateful.