The Freedom of Raising a Child in Japan

A Foreign Mother in Japan
July 13, 2007

My foreign friend and I often discuss child-rearing practices and policies in Japan compared to our own home countries or cultures. In my case I have to say culture since I’ve lived in Japan for close to 2/3rds of my life, so I’m not sure that my own policies reflect American ones. We’re both married to Japanese men, both have school-aged children, and both have had to learn the ropes of the parenting system here.

There are a lot of little rules in this country, those who live here realize it, those who don’t, but have been reading my blog, are aware of it. Kids NEVER go barefoot, they always have a thermos wherever they go, they all wear caps in the summer, and they all buy a ‘randsell’ backpack for entering 1st grade. Mothers show up to every school visit, all the school volunteer cleaning days, and they all buy the school required shuji set, sewing kit, and kanji dictionary. They never forget to include chopsticks in their children’s backpacks, and would never buy their school recorder from the 100-yen shop—all the things I’ve done without a second thought. Oh yes, they don’t make their kids work for their allowance.

So, yeah, I get frustrated and irritated by all the little rules that all the other mothers seem to know by instinct and I don’t. And I wonder “What’s the big deal, so I just cut up an old towel to make their school-required rags rather than buying some at the supermarket, so I made a sandwich for their excursion lunch rather than pack a full-course obento, so I didn’t give my kid the full 500 yen of spending money for the outing, since I only had 200 in my wallet, oh well!” (I think my kids realize this about me, and have found other ways to prepare for the things they know I won’t do).

But in many major areas of your child’s life, the parent has a lot of freedom and control. For instance, I can leave my kids in the car while I go shopping and no one will report me, I can leave my little kids home alone and no one would get upset, I can give my kids a whack in public and no one is going to be outraged, I can allow my kids to throw a full-on temper tantrum in the mall and everyone will ignore my child and me. I can laugh while my kids pulls the hair of the little guy sitting next to him in class, and I can expect the teacher to think my kid is still absolutely adorable, even when he hits her, calls her names, ignores her and is otherwise a monster. (Hey, anyone who knows me knows that I would never allow my kids to behave like that—but I HAVE seen it happen regularly).

Those are things that are important to me, things relating to safety, to danger, to behavior, I feel those are the important things to be concerned about. But, I do agree, that as a parent, despite the many small rules that I manage to not follow anyway, I have a lot of control over really main issues, and for that I’m grateful.

Jumping Ahead

Today I take a huge jump across the years to the present. Something I have had to learn to cope with culturally is my children’s schooling. All 3 of my children attend the local public schools. They started in kindergarten, and the eldest is now in 8^th grade.

Japan’s schooling system basically goes like this:

• K4 (kindy for 4 years)
• K5 (kindy for 5 years)
• 1-6^th grade (elementary school)
• 7-9^th grade (Jr. High)
• 10-12^th grade (Highschool)

The only years that are mandatory are the elementary and Jr. High years. Kindergarten and High School are not mandatory. Actually, you are considered an adult at age 16, though you can’t drive until 18 and you can’t drink or smoke until 20 (hmmm—that rule is not strictly kept—up to a few years ago I could’ve sent my daughter to the local store to pick up a pack of beer for me or a bottle of wine, no questions asked, but they have clamped down on it. Nevertheless, it’s pretty common to see young kids in the Jr. High bracket smoking, my daughter tells me the Jr. High 3^rd grade naughty-boys all congregate in the stair-well to smoke during school time).

While I’m happy my kids go to school and are getting an education, I find myself in a constant battle with the rules and requirements, esp. as they get older. Here is a recent conversation I had with Janina (13):

M: Hey kiddo, I think you’re hair looks really nice up in a high ponytail. Shall I help you do it this morning?
J: Umm, no Mom, cause I can’t wear my hair higher than the tips of my ears.
M:WHAT!! What do you mean!!
J: It’s the rules Mom.
M: What are they gonna do to you if you put it up?
J: Well, probably I’ll get lynched (and this is the actual word they use in Japanese) by the seniors.
M: Jr. High SUCKS!!!

And the list really does go on. Everything is dictated, my daughter is even afraid to put her hair up after school or on weekends going out in case a senior sees her and she gets beat up at school.

There’s an odd variety of other ‘rules’: First years must wear white socks, but 2^nd and 3^rd years can wear black, only 3^rd years can wear a sweater or scarf to school in winter, no bangles, baubles, accessories of any kind, those are the ones I know about, I’m sure there are many others.

Another conversation with my daughter:

J: We’re having a musical competition at school, I finally learned the song!
M: That’s great!!
J: But the seniors threatened to kill us!
M: What??!!
J: They want to win the competition so they said if any of us do anything other than sing, they’ll kill us! We can’t clap, or move, or dance…
M: Seniors SUCK!! How can they get away with that!

That’s the usual ending of those conversations—it SUCKS!!

It seems that the seniors have a lot of power here, and they keep the juniors in a state of fear and control. It’s quite ridiculous, and in looking at society, it’s where the whole “respect your elder—pay obeisance to your elder—your elder is always better than you” mentality begins. While I believe in respect, I believe respect goes towards anyone, older, younger, it doesn’t matter. This school form of “We’re going to beat you up if you wear green socks!” respect is not respect, it’s bullying, which Japan has a major problem with. And where are the teachers when these things happen? I’m sure the teachers are aware of it, but rather than tackling the problem or trying to change the students’ mentality, they let it go and say, “That’s the way it is…”

Some things are changing though. Because of the high rate of suicide, esp. the recent rash of Jr. High suicides, people are taking a closer look at the education system and what goes on in students’ lives, as well as listening closer to the silent cries of the students. For the meantime, I try to keep close communications with my children, educate them on what I consider good values of respect, and let them know when I think something happening at their school is just plain stupid.

Some would say I should tell my daughter to buck the tide, but I decided to leave that choice up to her. There’s a time to fight, and a time not to, since she will be the one to bear the consequences, she is the one who has to make the choice to stand up against it. I would hate to see her come home with a black eye over something as dumb as her hair, I just hope she stands up to fight for things that are really important—defense of the weak, right and wrong and good morals.